36 Questions to Fall in Love: Full List and How to Use Them

Almost everyone has a memory of the question that changed a conversation — the one that turned small talk into something real. A 1997 psychology experiment by Arthur Aron (SAGE Journals, the original peer-reviewed study) turned that instinct into a list of 36 prompts, and an essay by Mandy Len Catron in The New York Times pushed the list far beyond the lab. Here’s what the science actually shows, what the viral stories got right, and how you can put the questions to work tonight.

Original study year: 1997 ·
Number of questions: 36 ·
Question sets: 3 sets of 12 ·
NYT Modern Love article: 2015 ·
Final step: 4-minute eye contact

Six rows capture the whole arc: a 1997 lab experiment, three sets of questions, and a viral essay that showed up decades later.

Can you provide a list of 36 questions that might lead to love?

The list is real, it’s free, and it’s built to do one specific thing: get two people talking at a deeper level than a coffee shop small talk ever will. Here’s the structure, the full list, and where to find a printable version.

The three sets of questions

• Set 1 — the icebreakers: questions 1–12 cover dinner guests, fame, and perfect days.
• Set 2 — the turn toward depth: questions 13–24 move into memories, values, and family.
• Set 3 — the deep end: questions 25–36 ask for “we” statements, regrets, and a personal problem.

The escalation is deliberate: each set asks you to reveal a little more, and because both people answer, the risk feels shared. The version that went viral kept that three-act structure.

Psychologists call the engine behind it reciprocal self-disclosure — you share something real, the other person shares something real back, and trust builds in the exchange.

Full list of 36 questions

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

How to get the PDF version

The New York Times version of the list is the cleanest free version to bookmark, and it preserves the original three-set structure. If you want the original document, search for “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” on Google Scholar, academic search index — the PDF is posted on many university course sites with full citation details.

The pattern: the list is a ladder, not a quiz. You don’t get 36 chances to impress — you get 36 turns to be known.

The implication: the list works best when both people treat it as a shared discovery, not a performance. The closeness emerges from the exchange, not from the questions themselves.

What is the Modern Love article about the 36 questions?

In January 2015, Mandy Len Catron published “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in the Modern Love column of The New York Times (The New York Times, publisher of the Modern Love essay). She had tried the 36 questions on a first date, and the essay told the story of what the experiment could do when two people actually played along.

How the NYT article popularized the questions

• The essay walked readers through the experiment in real time, from the first question to the four-minute stare, and invited them to try it themselves.
• Within weeks, the piece had been shared more than 10 million times (The New York Times, publisher of the Modern Love essay).
• The title made it feel like a practical manual rather than just a personal essay.

The Modern Love column by Mandy Len Catron

• Modern Love is a weekly New York Times column about relationships, and Catron’s essay became one of its defining pieces.
• Catron didn’t invent the questions — she translated a psychology experiment into an evening anyone could try.

Her essay was honest about the stakes: the questions don’t promise that love will happen; they promise that the conversation will stop being small.

Response and impact

The list spread into dating apps, first-date playbooks, and even scripted television, becoming a shared cultural reference for anyone who wanted to skip the small talk.

Why this matters: the essay didn’t change the science; it changed the audience. A lab procedure became a conversation starter for millions of people who had never heard of Arthur Aron before.

The pattern: every retelling, from the original essay to primetime adaptations, kept the three-set structure intact. The list survived the translation from lab to living room.

Why did The Big Bang Theory episode feature the 36 questions?

The Big Bang Theory episode “The Brain Bowl Incubation”

• It’s a season 12 episode, and the 36 questions anchor a plot about Sheldon and Amy’s relationship (Wikipedia, The Big Bang Theory season 12 episode guide).
• The episode used the list both for comedy and for genuine warmth — fitting for a couple whose relationship grew through logic as much as feeling.

Portrayal of the questions

• Sheldon approaches the experiment with his usual analytical seriousness, which is exactly where the humor comes from.
• Amy brings the emotional side — she treats the questions as a real attempt to deepen their bond.

For viewers, the episode turned the 36 questions into a recognizable piece of pop culture: a famous experiment that a beloved TV couple could try at home.

Public awareness

• The episode ran during the show’s final season, when audiences were large and paying close attention.
• The sitcom treatment normalized the question list in a way academic articles never could.

The pattern: every retelling, from Catron’s essay to primetime TV, kept the original structure intact. The list survived the adaptation.

How do you create a spark with someone?

You can’t guarantee a spark with a script. But you can create the conditions where a spark has room to happen — that’s what the 36 questions are for.

Setting the environment

• Pick a quiet spot where you won’t be interrupted — a bar works, but a living room or a park bench works better.
• Put the phones away; the questions need your full attention.
• Keep it to two people — group settings diffuse the very intimacy the list is designed to build.

Mutual self-disclosure

• The mechanism is simple: each person answers every question, in turn, without interruption.
• Long, honest answers move things further than clever one-liners.
• Silence is fine — when a question lands, let it land before moving on.

Psychologists call this pattern reciprocal self-disclosure, and it’s the engine behind the whole list: you show something true, the other person shows something true back, and step by step the distance closes.

The 4-minute stare

• The protocol ends with four minutes of silent, mutual eye contact (Wikipedia, independent encyclopedia entry).
• Most pairs laugh at first — the deeper part starts after the laughter settles.
• If four minutes feels too long, try two and build from there.

The implication: attraction follows vulnerability far more reliably than it follows performance. The questions are simply a structured way to get vulnerable fast.

How should I ask the 36 questions to my partner?

Once you know the list, the tricky part is bringing it up without feeling like you’re running a psychology experiment. Here’s the practical approach.

Best timing for the questions

• Choose a moment when you’re both relaxed and have nowhere else to be — a free evening beats a lunch break.
• One sitting works, or split it into three evenings, one set per night.
• Don’t start it right before bed — the last set can open up a conversation you won’t want to end.

Answering honestly

• The only rule that matters is honesty — every question is a chance to give a real answer.
• If a question feels too heavy, say so; you can return to it later or skip it entirely.
• No teasing each other’s answers — the list creates a judgment-free zone by design.

Deepening the connection

• After the final question, follow up on what surfaced — the list is a starting point, not a finish line.
• Revisit the questions after a few months; your answers will have changed, and that’s revealing in itself.
• Use the four-minute stare to close the session — it changes the tone more than any single question does.

What this means: the list is most powerful when it’s treated as a door rather than a checklist. The real work — and the real payoff — is what happens between the questions.

How to run the 36-question experiment, step by step

Here’s a version that works for a first date, a long-term partner, or an old friend you want to know better.

1. Set the scene. Two people, one quiet place, phones out of reach.
2. Agree to the deal. Both of you answer, both of you stay honest, and either of you can pause at any time.
3. Start with Set 1. The light questions build the rhythm before the deeper ones arrive.
4. Move through Set 2. Expect the conversation to slow down; that’s the point.
5. Finish with Set 3. These are the questions that create a different kind of conversation — don’t rush them.
6. Close with four minutes of eye contact. Then talk about what the silence felt like.

The trade-off: real talk carries real risk. But small talk never changed anyone’s evening.

What the research confirms — and what it doesn’t

Confirmed facts

• The 36-question protocol was designed to create closeness in a single session, and the original study found that it worked (ABC News, mainstream coverage of the study).
• The list has traveled from a 1997 lab into mainstream culture without losing its three-set structure.

What’s unclear

• Whether short-term closeness grows into lasting love — the original study didn’t follow participants for years.
• Whether the list works as well outside a quiet experimental setting as it does inside one.

The key distinction: closeness is a condition for love, not a substitute for it. The questions deliver the first; the second still needs time, timing, and two willing people.

What the people behind the phenomenon say

Two voices capture the experiment’s promise and its limits.

“The study showed that sustained eye contact and reciprocal self-disclosure can create intimacy.”

Arthur Aron, lead researcher of the original study — SAGE Journals, the original peer-reviewed study

“The study’s objective was to create closeness in a reasonably short period, not to establish that every pair would fall in love.”

ABC News — coverage of the closeness study

The shared thread: both voices measure their promises. Closeness is the outcome; love is a possibility.

The takeaway

The 36 questions became famous because they gave people a script for something most of us were never taught — how to let another person truly see you. The science is real but modest: the protocol reliably produces closeness, and closeness is a necessary ingredient for love, not love itself. For couples who want to fast-forward through the small-talk phase, the choice is clear: use the list as the opening it was designed to be — and let love arrive on its own schedule, or you’ll spend the evening grading an experiment instead of living it.

• Related reading: Sim Wong Hoo Wife: Why Creative Tech Founder Never Married
• Healing Touch Spa JB: Legit? Prices, Services, and What to Expect

Frequently asked questions